When Fanfics Go Bad
by Clovis15
Summary: Find out what can happen to authors who promise fanfics, but never write them! It seems that even the characters in the fanfics themselves can get tired of waiting! (Also contains characters from Trigun)


(Imagine a black void; into this void walk Sam and Max, freelance police, psychotic philosophers, and all around good guys, sorta.)  
  
Sam: What's up with the bleak and empty look, I thought this is where the commissioner told us to go.  
  
Max: Well, it was Sam. But Clovis has been playing Subspace too much to finish the story!  
  
Sam: Augh, I hate when the enemy is one damned lazy subspace playing fanfic writer who threatens his friends!  
  
Max: Does this mean we get to break down the 4th wall, go into reality, and otherwise beat the crap out of the useless subspace-playing author?  
  
Sam (checks his gun): Can't exactly think of a good reason not too, and besides Joey has put a bounty on his head so we'll get money for doing it!  
  
(Switch to a scene of Clovis' house in the real world. Sam and Max's police car screeches to a halt in the driveway kicking up the very stones that line it. Some of them fly in the backyard where they pelt the dog named Helga who is leashed up back there.)  
  
Sam: So this is the house of the author who wrote some of our greatest fanfic adventures including but not limited to: "hit the mall" and "hit the hoods".  
  
Max: Sam, this house makes me think the one lives in it is so um….  
  
Sam: Go ahead, you can say it.  
  
Max: Gay, like maybe the author is a crazy sheep molester.  
  
Sam (picks max up and turns him around): That's not Clovis' house, that's the house on the other side of the road. That's Clovis' house. Now try it again.  
  
Max: My god, this man is a geek!  
  
Sam: Precisely, and geeks aren't cool. We must pave the way for Coolness. I know Joey wants him alive, and we only wanted to scare him into finishing the story, but now we know he's a geek and that changes everything! With God as my witness I'll not rest until the lazy ass subspace Jockey who lives within that house is dead!  
  
(Switch to scene inside of Clovis' house, he is currently sitting at his computer playing subspace and not writing fanfics for the ultra publications like he should be. Subspace temporarily shuts down as an ICQ message cancels the game. Clovis angrily reads the message.)  
  
Clovis: TIM WILLIAMS says hey Clovis, I was wondering if you'll ever write a third Trigun story. I've finally finished my third Mega Man script and I'll let you read it if you write a third trigun story. (Begins saying what he types as he types it) Screw you, screw you and go to hell. I love subspace, not you. Joo no give me zee blowjobben, ya? BYE!  
  
(Clovis shuts down ICQ and turns back on subspace)  
  
Clovis: Maybe now Miss_Chief and me can finally work on being the first two- person team to win with all the flags! SCHWANKYENDARO!  
  
(Front door breaks down as it is kicked in; Sam and max enter the room with guns drawn. They don't seem to be very happy at all.)  
  
Max: Schwankyendaro isn't even a real word!  
  
Sam: I concur.  
  
Max: Sam, is concur even a real word?  
  
(Clovis takes advantage of Sam and Max's arguing and snaps his fingers. Pan- Cako and Backpack boy appear in front of him.)  
  
Clovis: HA HA you fools! I'm the author here and you are no match for my god like powers within the story. Nothing shall stop me from wasting my life away ya hear! Pan-Cako, Backpack Boy, stop them!  
  
Backpack Boy (pulls out a chain gun and aims it at Clovis' face): Let's say we not and spray your communist head all over your pc monitor!  
  
Pan-Cako: Yeah, where's Comedy Hour #3 you subspace playing, time wasting, college studying, sheep screwing, freak!  
  
Clovis (snaps his fingers again and the two disappear): Sigh, good help is so hard to find these days.  
  
Sam: Well Max, the author thinks he's a smart ass; show him what we do to smart asses.  
  
Max (with demonic look in eyes as he jumps towards Clovis): GRRRRROWL!  
  
Clovis (holding his hand out like a traffic cop stopping traffic): PAUSE (whole scene goes still, only he can move) I'm going to need some different attire if this scene is going to happen correctly. (Wardrobe appears out of thin air, Clovis reaches into it and pulls out a Matrix outfit.) All right, action.  
  
(The scenes unfolds in slow motion as Clovis performs gravity defying twists, turns, pirouettes and pelvic thrusts, thusly dodging each and every one of Max's attempted bites, blows, sucker punches, groin strikes, Indian burns, and of course round houses. Max falls to the floor exhausted after two minutes of intense choreographed movie quality action.)  
  
Max (Gasping for air): You can't do that!  
  
Clovis: Why not, I am the author of this story.  
  
Max: Yeah, but you're not the one, Keeanu Reeves is!  
  
Clovis (Matrix outfit disappears): Shit, he's right! Guess I'll just have to use my Vortex powers to call for heeeeeeeeeeelp!  
  
(A Vortex opens behind Clovis and Nicholas D. Wolfwood steps out, cross and all.)  
  
Sam & Max: Nicholas D. Wolfwood?  
  
Clovis: Well I was hoping for Charlton Heston, but I guess he'll do. (Then suddenly sounding desperate) Wolfwood, take them out, I can't write the third Trigun fanfic if I'm dead.  
  
Wolfwood (smoking a slightly chewed on cigarette): Well, that's true I guess. Be a real shame if you were dead and I didn't even get to star in any of your fanfics.  
  
Max (running at Wolfwood): I'll stop him Sam, you take out Clovis. Remember, we can't loose with God as our witness.  
  
Wolfwood (slaps pocket confessional on Max's head as he runs towards him): Speaking of god how would you like to confess your sins, this one's on me!  
  
Max (Desperately pulling at model of church): Ack get it off me, I can't see anything!  
  
Wolfwood (now noticing a report on the floor picks it up): A thorough Analysis of the movie AI? You could've been writing Trigun fanfic episode 3, and instead you write a report on that Spielbergian crap??? You leave me waiting so you could chase grades (pulls two hand pistols from his cross). That's it; I'm taking you down myself.  
  
(Wolfwood unloads three full clips in each gun killing everyone in the room except for Clovis who ducked under the computer like a pansy. Everyone else except for Clovis is dead. Sam is dead. Max is dead. Clovis' family is dead.)  
  
Clovis (throwing arms up into the air triumphantly): I AM INVINCIBLE!  
  
(Clovis is suddenly detained as both his arms are grabbed and he has handcuffs put on them from behind his back)  
  
Clovis: WHA!  
  
Meryl: Let's see how invincible you are under arrest. We're taking you away to a cell where you'll be forced do nothing but write truncated Dragon's Inn posts and Pan-Cako and Backpack Boy movie scripts.  
  
Milly: That's right, and I'm going to pawn all your video games to buy pudding.  
  
(After everyone's left the house Roll walks in very angrily)  
  
Roll: Not another mess, not another!  
  
EXPLANATION NOTES: Pan-Cako and Backpack Boy are an original comedic super hero team creation of mine. You can read more of their adventures at http://www.geocities.com/ultrapub/pancako. Roll from Mega Man is here because she plays the janitor on "Comedy Hour", a Talk Show ran by Pan-Cako and Backpack Boy (findable at their website) in which they interview many bizarre characters. Characters from "Sam & Max" and "Trigun" are here because people were always complaining about how I promised I'd write more of those stories but never did (at the time I was also behind in Pan-Cako material, but have since made more of it). 


End file.
